I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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