I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
