On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
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I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He keeps bees of course he's weird
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Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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