omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
