a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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