I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
