I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
