im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Couch. On fire.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
