just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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