I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.