i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
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Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
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You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.