The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
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she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
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This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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