I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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