You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
