i think my tv is drunk
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
