someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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