I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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