Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize