I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm always down for nudity.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
