did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
