listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
