just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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