After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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