I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
