WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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