My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
