remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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