Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
