Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize