while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I have fence marks all over my body
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
