My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
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