i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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