Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
