Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
