We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
