he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
