Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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