She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
