she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
