It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
