bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
So vagazzling was a success
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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