Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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