just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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