i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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