No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
