I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
