Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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