I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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