I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
