At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
