i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
