In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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