As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
