You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
