Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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