Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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