planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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